The Stream of Consciousness

THE RETURN OF SWITCHBLADE FACE

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:15:33 GMT

Of all random fucking things. Remember this guy?

Yeah. I was super piss drunk, got his number and then wondered wtf on earth I was thinking the next morning (which was not terribly unusual for me at the time) Then ran into him again some weeks later with Adam and he gave me the Thief III glare all night from across the bar. I drunk-posted, and the Internet laughed with me.

Then Kathryn sent me this link today and I about had a fit. Nothing like reading a posthence sexual review of an extremely questionable character that you somehow thought was cute when you were drunk once.

Oh man, lol.

Writer's block. WTF

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 07:31:48 GMT

I am a veritable fountain of fantastic ideas, but I SUCK AT EXECUTING THEM. Well okay, I don't *suck* so much as never get around to it. I can map out a fantastic storyline, characters, plot twists, climaxes etc. and come up with a whiplash ending, but the beginning, oh my god no. I never know how to begin anything, so nothing ever gets done. I've tried just starting some ways in, but the fact that there is no beginning irritates and distracts me and I end up giving up. Since creativity is an inspiration based thing and cannot be governed by sheer willpower, I have no idea how to direct it a bit better.

My head contains a one fairly fleshed out novel, one rough novel idea, and innumerable solid short stories. But beginning them (and actually deciding on a writing style) is totally gaying me. I really don't want to chronically be an "ideas person" because that's the most epically useless shit ever ever ever.

I detest writing groups, so don't suggest it. The last thing I want to do is listen to a bunch of wannabe writers talk about their lame bullshit ideas. I just want someone to listen to mine <3

Christmas sux.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:57:18 GMT

Between ignoring drunk calls from my mother (which has lately resulted in voicemails like "Your cousin's kids are the ugliest things ever" at 1 am), Adam not being here, and all my extended family doing their own wife/kids get togethers and never remembering that I exist anyway, my Christmas is going to consist of me sitting at home by myself doing nothing. I hate going to other people's family Christmas get togethers because I feel like a HUGE 5th wheel, and I no longer have the same pack of orphan friends that I used to do the holidays for all the time. So no dinners, no opening presents, de nada.

uuuuuuuugh, I just want the holiday season over with, already. It's depressing as hell to spend it alone

Wishlist stuff.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:12:16 GMT

For those of you who have asked what I want for Christmas or as a Christmas/BDay present (the bane of all Saggitariuses - the combined bday/xmas!), pretty much everything is on my Amazon Wishlist, from little stuff to big stuff that I know I'm not going to get, lol. But yeah, use that.

Also, thanks to the person who sent me the graphic novels (I don't name names to preserve privacy). I NEEEEEDED the next installment on all of those. <3

raperaperape

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 22:17:18 GMT

Adam freezing his butt off in the snow in North Carolina earlier today.

He has that look that a shivering puppy would give you when you finally realized that you forgot to let him in during a storm. Sort of an abject misery/don't-you-feel-guilty/come-cuddle-me thing. /molest /molest /molest

Doesn't he look like an overgrown boy? It's kind of weird to think that he's turning 30 on Sunday.

swimming upstream

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:53:09 GMT

The more I talk to people about their relationships, the more I realize that I do not want to go down the same path with mine. I don't want anything to be on the down low. I don't want either of us to keep a stable of possible future booty calls for those just-in-case moments where we can justify fucking someone else on a technicality. I don't want to waste time, say things we don't mean because we feel like we have to, or feel needed in that bad, codependent way. I don't want to kiss without meaning or fuck without feeling. I want to do things differently for once.

After Mark and David I pretty much hated anything with a dick. Unfortunately I am rabidly heterosexual, so despite my misanthropy at the end of the day I still love cock. Fuck. I did by best to meet myself in the middle by rocking the sexual bulimia to great effect: binge and purge, baby! Although I spent years being the faithful anti-slut (despite occasional accusations of the opposite), when I decided to play the field I did so with great voracity and made an art form out of bragging about all the hot ass I bagged and snuck out on the next morning. It was mostly fun and I have some hilarious stories, hot memories, epic blog posts and a clean bill of health, so at the end of the day...wtfever. However, being a player isn't really my thing anymore even if I used to be of rather infamous "evil manipulative nymphomaniac" status at one point. "With great tits comes great responsibility", "when you look into my vagina, my vagina also looks into you" and so on and so forth. Thankfully I outgrew most of that stuff (except the tits) and developed a somewhat stunted but nevertheless present conscience (in relationships - when I'm single the world is my oyster and I likewise swallow it raw and with a shot of vodka).

I have made pretty much every single mistake that there is to be made where love between two people is concerned. I've had just about every insane high and heartrending low. I've had someone die, I've been married and divorced, engaged several times, betrayed, cheated on, loved to the exclusion of all else and have probably heard every bullshit promise and lie ever whispered. Sometimes I wonder what the hell there is left to experience that is actually worth experiencing...different places, different faces? Oh wait...making something happily last more than a year or two, that'd be kinda new! Yeah. So, see all these eggs? This is me putting them in one basket. Let the chips fall where they may. If it fails, billionth time's a charm, maybe.

And if he fucks me over, there is always homicide. :D

buh.

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 06:43:42 GMT

I am done with drinking and being social for at least a couple of weeks. All I want to do is play video games and read comic books and pet my cats because I have been doing nothing but drinking and going out since a few days before my birthday, and I'm normally a bit of a hermit. My throat is all raw from all the screaming over loud music that I've been doing. Pouring vodka on it on a regular basis didn't help much, either.

Highlights:

Oh sure. Let's do shots. Great idea.

I'm beginning to notice that all of my female friends are utterly gorgeous.

I am so tired of booze.

...those statements are in no way related.

I turned 33 today.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:47:35 GMT

I'm not blonde anymore.

My friends made me feel especially loved this year. I very rarely get anything of mention by way of presents (though I get lots of books and that is always <3) but a lot of people really went out of their way for me this year. distortedsoundz flew out for a visit and I get to wreak havoc with her til the 11th. Ana flew up for a couple of days. unsafe357 actually left the confines of his own home and got social with us (!!!) and spent waaayyyy too much time drinking. Bree brought me a small cake, and I can't even remember the last time anyone got me a cake. wasteddream is threatening to actually bake me one, which is something I've never had done for me ever...but so far that's just a threat. And then my friend Eddie pulled I don't even know how many strings and got me guestlisted +1 at the upcoming Lady GaGa show in SF, the tickets for which are now being scalped at over $150 a pop for general admission. I've never been to a mainstream pop show in my entire life so I'm actually really looking forward to the experience, which I'm sure I will find utterly bizarre. Plus, I'm got GaGa Fever just like everyone else these days...oddly enough.

Anyway, I am feeling super loved and that is awesome. Thanks to everyone who went so far out of their way for me this year. Considering I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel just to make rent right now it's been a very very welcome distraction and I appreciate every bit of it. :)

Not really what I had in mind for employment, exactly.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:33:11 GMT

I just got offered an "audition" for an adult co. called - get this - GORILLA MILK (unsurprisingly based out of Oakland). As far as I can tell, it's a bunch of black dudes who film the dregs of rap video dancer rejects pouring milk on themselves and then make pr0n of it. How I was supposed to fit in with that, ianno...my inner African must be showing again.

I guess the real question is whether I was supposed to be the milk to their gorillas? Or would I be just another gorilla, myself? This question has terrifyingly deep philosophical connotations.

Either way, my future is now clear! Thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity.

oh!

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:46:08 GMT

I forgot to mention that the hippie bitch Jelena that I got in that brawl with when I was in NC apparently tried to talk to Adam last week and apparently she is still super bald. He said that her upper left hairline is stripped bare back a couple inches and she's doing an ineffectual combover while it grows out to try and avoid looking like she's developing male pattern baldness. That wasn't exactly what I was going for, but I didn't have much else to hold on to when they tried to pull me away from the tussle. Now she's going to be pissed off and thinking of me every time she looks in the mirror for a couple more months and that idea gives me a case of the lolz. And I was sort of busy at the time so I didn't exactly notice, but Adam said it "sounded like someone tearing tape off of a box really fast". Yow. Pulling hair is totally a vaginal thing to do but when I have 2 fucktards and a cunt on me I'll take the damage wherever I can get it. Whatever! As long as it hurt like fuck and makes her remember me <3

Also, I guess that Adam got in (yet another) argument with his filthy hippie brother over how wicked I am with all my dark energy and bad chakras n shit, and he mentioned (by way of proving my evilness) how her boyfriend Ryan - the cocksucker who kicked me and put those huge bruises all over me - had his face all swollen and fucked up the next day from where I decked his ass, so I imagine he spent some time being pissed off in the mirror as well, knowing that he got nailed by a iddy widdle giiiiirllllllllllll.

I am inordinately pleased by these things, especially since I'm still dangerously pissed off over that entire ordeal. I would like to purify their collective unwashed genitalia with a Molotov cocktail made of napalm and then force them to snort lines of anthrax off my boots.

Maybe they'll think twice next time before fucking with psycho bitches from 'Frisco. Because, you know, SF is just so gangster. *flex*

Mrehhhhh

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:12:43 GMT

Adam was supposed to be at my place around 11:30am., but the flight was delayed due to fog....so badly that he missed his connecting flight and they had to reschedule him on a different airline a full 8 hours later. Poor thing sat in the ghetto Greensboro airport for 8 fucking hours! Now he'll be here around 7:30pm. =/ Soooooo I'm having to put off cooking until about, say, 6 or so since I don't think he'll want to eat the instant he walks in the door. I'M SO BORED OMG.

That turkey is getting a serious brining, though. I got a 16 pound organic free range turkey that's lurrrvely and it's been brining in mix of chicken broth, salt, chipotle pepper powder, powdered sage, crushed garlic and a bit of liquid smoke. Ima stuff that bitch with a sage sausage cube stuffing, make roasted garlic mashed potatoes (and my mash is utterly to die for, ok) and my cranberry sauce with port-poached pears. Also, my turkey gravy is the stuff of legend.

Ugh, I'm all excited and frustrated and starving on more than one level..

Btw people - Happy Turkey Day!

just dropped Courtney an email

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:45:02 GMT

Since her and David hooked up, I haven't actually said anything *to* Kort. Everything I said, I said publicly...I never contacted her directly. Seeing as how she just got dumped and is probably in a bad place emotionally, I thought I'd take a moment to rub it in.

So.

I see that relationship lasted terribly long, as your "relationships" always do. I hope it was worth it. I never did shit to you to deserve you backstabbing me like that, but then again I always knew better than to trust you since all you've ever done is fuck people over and use them because you have absolutely no worth as a human being. This is why you are so completely incapable of maintaining close friendships for long, in case you haven't figured that out yet. You always have been and always will be nothing more than a filthy little emotional and financial parasite with a worn out flabby cunt attached to it, waiting to burrow into your next host and spread the disease that is your existence.

You and that worthless horsefaced pizza nigger utterly deserved one another. It's a shame that didn't work out; unions like that serve to ensure that my children will have a new generation of genetic detritus to kick the living shit out of as they grow up.

Have fun dying alone. ♥

-Mal

insomnia x's 10000000000

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:33:07 GMT

Stay up for 24 hours, sleep for only 2 hours, and still I manage to be awake at 3:30 am.

I swear I'm not human.

LOL.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:00:57 GMT

David and Courtney broke up. Already. Geez, *that* lasted a long time. What were you actually together for, a couple of months? Or at least, this is what he is telling people...but with David, who knows?

I'm not sure if Courtney is back in the US or not yet, but I can't wait til she trudges her fat backstabbing ass back to her mommy's house in utter failure.

Thanksgiving recipes, etc.?

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:29:50 GMT

I have no idea if any of you like to cook since it seems to be kind of a dying art in my generation, but IF any of you are really into cooking I'd like to know what you're making for Thanksgiving. I'm making the entire Thanksgiving dinner by myself, and whiel I've done that before plenty of times, I'd like to know how everyone else makes a fab turkey. I shelled out the scrilla and got an organic free range bird from a local ranch instead of a mass-produced Safeway frozen thing and I want to make sure it's amazzzingggg. I normally brine in a spice mix for a couple of days beforehand, then layer herbed butter (and sometimes bacon) between the skin and meat prior to cooking, but I'm open to ideas if anyone has any.

I'm also making cranberry sauce, but experimenting by adding diced apples and pears previously poached in ruby port wine into the mix at the end. No idea how that will turn out but it sounds good, no?

Adam likes stuffing so I'm trying my hand at that as well. I refuse to go the Stove Top route and I generally don't care for stuffing, so I have NO idea how this will turn out, lol. I'm hoping to at least avoid a total disaster.

Share thy ideas!

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:25:57 GMT

Adam is now the proud owner of a one-way ticket from Charlotte, NC to San Francisco, CA.

o_o

>_<

Dec. 30th, so we get New Year's together.
#faggotry

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:09:09 GMT

Someone from some porn company just emailed me and offered $1500 for me to do a boy/girl scene for them. Look, I've had porn companies vulturing me ever since I was 18 and I will NEVER do mainstream porn. EVER. What I do, I do on MY terms, MY way, with who *I* want to do it with...I will never ever ever fuck some random stranger just because someone pays me to. EVER.

I have no moral issue with pornography or the people who do it, but I am a one-man kind of woman. The sleeping around I do in my rare single off-time I do for the lolz, not for a paycheck. I am not your product and I will not be repackaged and sold as just another a watered down, anonymous commodity for the masses. I have done porn with my exes and profited from that, sure, but those were people I was fucking anyway and they didn't have Herpegonnosyphilaids. I'm not about to risk getting some incurable vagina-dissolving disease just so I can have some extra spending money.

So to all you weird fuckers who troll porn forums and try to get the companies to "recruit" me, cut it the fuck out. It ain't happening. I don't give a flying fuck how butt hurt you are over my constant rejection of your lucrative offers to put me on low grade slut sites. If I ever decide to put material of me out there again, it'll be with my boyfriend and not some poxy porn meathead who leaves his socks on during sex for some freakish reason (like all the guys in porn do...wtf).

kthx.

Calling all perverts.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:46:12 GMT

If work doesn't happen for me soon I may go back to doing (solo) webcam stuff part time to fill in my budget somewhat. It's easy and I'm fucking good at it, so wth? If there are sites you like, or if you work for one (some of you girls do), email me (malice at beautydestroyed dot com) and let me know...there are a ton out there and I'm looking for references to ones that seem the most legitimate and well-known. IF I decide to go this route...which I may not, I haven't decided.

I've also had 2 girls tell me I should look into their line of work and just beat the shit out of dudes for a living since I sort of do that anyway for free. That's a thought. lol.

Here's a question for everyone.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:03:08 GMT

What is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? And how can you tell?

I've been asking myself this damned question for most of my adult life and I have yet to come up with a foolproof answer. The only ex I'm 100% absolutely and unquestionably sure that I was completely in love with was my ex-husband Mark; everyone else I've more or less decided post-mortem that I just liked/loved/cared about/lusted after/needed them...but wasn't in love with them. Not truly.

One thing that I think is an absolute rule is that you cannot be in love with someone unless you really know them. Anything less and you're in love with an ideal that you've created in your own mind and pasted on someone else. For example, if they're playing with you and you're making excuses for them and purposely not seeing them for what they are, then you're in love with something that you created and not something that actually exists. THAT I know for a fact is not genuine love of any kind, but I still see it get called love constantly. "No, s/he was a total fake that played you like a fiddle and made you their bitch and you never even truly knew them...so how is that at all related to love?" I often ask.

Can you fall out of love? I can't. For me, once it's there it's always going to be there on some level, in spite of my worst intentions :P

Love is a bitchy nightmare. It's so closely related to need and lust and obsession that it's often completely indistinguishable from it in the throes of the thing...especially the death-throes. Not being able to have someone can make like feel like love out of pure unfulfilled frustration, which gets translated into faux intensity. Someone using you and telling you lies can make you see love where it does not exist because the conclusion is based on information that is not genuine. As far as I can tell, the only way to tell for sure if you loved someone is to see if you still do years after you've decided that you hate them. If you still love them then, then it was the Real Deal. Which is kinda fucked.

But everyone is different. What's your opinion?

Kind of annoying.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:31:06 GMT

I seem to have some minor long-term (permanent?) hand damage from that mass hippie battle I got in when I was in North Carolina. When I make a fist a few of my finger joints are still slightly sore, but one of my finger joints - the second middle one on my right hand - is distinctly lopsided. It's hard to the touch so it doesn't seem like swelling...I dunno wtf. Sort of hurts to the touch but not too bad.

I also have a lump of what feels like scar tissue under where I cut my hand open on someone's tooth (I assume) on my index finger between my knuckle and 2nd joint. Nice scar on my finger there, too. jfc I have SO Many goddamned scars on my hands it's ridiculous. I feel like I should be taking tips from Kill Bill and spend the next couple of years punching a wall to toughen up my hands or something. My hands are going to get all arthritic from the battle damage. "Muh hands ache when the weather turns...mrehh!" /rocks in computer chair

My left wrist still hurts like fuck where some jackass dude squeezed and yanked on my wrist as hard as he could to try to make me let go and stop fighting, too. It obviously didn't work...I grew up with an older brother who used to squeeze my wrists to make me let go of things when I was a kid because he couldn't break my freakishly strong grip...you could probably grind my wrists to bone powder and I still wouldn't let go. Still, it kinda fucking pisses me off. Not the knuckles...that's all my bad, haha, but the wrist thing. I'd really love to hunt down that scumfuck and put a steeltoe in his fucking teeth. You got a chick being held to the ground by her throat by some guy while some girl is also attacking her, and his reaction is to grab her wrist hard enough to hairline fracture it (yes)? Wtfseriousforfuckchristshit is that? I realize that I'm terribly threatening, but come on now. And anyway, IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK. Ever seen someone kick a dog that was in the middle of a fight and the dog doesn't even notice? Same exact thing. MENTAL LOCKJAW, BITCH. Guess it's best that I'm not local because I'd be sorely tempted to exact some kind of really shitty revenge against the dude...like, oh I dunno, tossing a makeshift Molotov or two through the window of his business, or drugging him and carving NEVAR FORGET into his asscheeks. Motherfucker. Seriously. I think ima find out who the guy is and scrounge up some contact info for him and post it all over the place and let people know what a giant pussy he is. The effects of public embarrassment last longer than that of most physical violence, anyway. Don't worry, I will share <3

Next time ima fight like Tyson. I'm going to hook my fingers into eyeballs and tear off ears and bite faces, fuck it. I don't like fighting dirty at all, but in a world where dudes gang up on chicks I may as well go for maximum damage. After I let them hit me first, of course. Ahem.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:50:09 GMT

So yeah, last night.

Went to a housewarming party.
Drank too much (I know you are all so surprised right now).
Left too late to catch the last train home so I had to spend a million years on the GhettoBus back to the East Bay.
Realized I was missing my phone.
Realized I was missing my keys.
Realized my catsitter had my only set of spare keys (which I usually leave in a local spot buried in a baggie just in case something like this happens).
...Fuck.
Decided I was NOT spending the night outside because fuck that it's cold and I'm drunk and there is a warm bed right in there.
Tossed a brick through my own bathroom window.
Slept.
Cursed a lot the next day when I realized that my cell phone and keys were total history.
Told my landlord that someone threw a brick through my window.

>_>

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:13:12 GMT

Make me a music recommendation with the following groups in mind: Massive Attack and Portishead. Also along these lines: IAMX, Ladytron, Black Rebel Motorcycle club. (I don't need help finding industrial/electro, since my boyfriend essentially lives, breathes and bleeds the stuff, and I also don't believe in new punk or metal so skip all that.)

I luuuurrrveeee Massive Attack and Portishead like <3 <3 <3 but I haven't run across much else that even comes close to comparing within the same vein. This depresses me. IAMX etc. are basically examples of music listened to largely by people that I sort of want to beat up, but I love the music anyway. I just don't think I'll be biting their fan's hairstyles anytime soon.

uuuughhhhhh

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:15:39 GMT

It's like 24 days til I see Adam again. Meanwhile it's all being broke and job-hunting bullshittery, AKA this month is going to suck.

Sometimes I think I'm better off just being a player and not getting all emotionally involved-like. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely adore being loved and I adore loving back even more maybe, but I hate all the nasty shit it dredges up in my personality, especially where something long distance is concerned. I get to thinking too much. I dissect everything. I question my own motives (far more than I question anyone else's, interestingly) and wonder just how honest I'm being with myself about everything. I wonder what I'm being mislead on or am just deliberately not seeing. I wonder if I'm being a fool. I get all fucking paranoid.

Really, it's just the dregs of past traumas coming to the surface. You can't have a history of crashes and burns and deaths and divorces like I do and not spend a huge amount of time going "omfg" the instant you have anything to lose. It's nothing to do with Adam, really...I mean, there have been one or two fucked up incidents that cast a shadow over us, but I'm pretty sure that's seriously history even though it still causes a domino emotional effect sometimes. In the end, he's not perfect - he's a stupid boy just like all stupid boys, and I mean that in the most affectionate sense possible. But in comparison to the average wang-bearer, Adam is a total angel. Hopefully that opinion still stands 6 months from now.

I miss him. I miss having a job and not being broke and not having to worry about things so much and I wish things weren't such a cacophony of suck right now. I don't want to be flat broke over the holidays...I LOVE splurging and getting people stuff. But I think it's going to be a lean birthday/Christmas for me and mine this year...although I mayyyyyy have talked my parents into getting me a Kindle DX as a cumulative gift. They haven't gotten me anything in friggin' years so I'm harassing them. Cuz Wikipedia while riding BART = heaven. Or at least, a little less hell.

Oh hai, I'm blonde.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:08:56 GMT

Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral played live in it's entirety.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:15:06 GMT

I used to be a huge NIN fan way back when Pretty Hate Machine first came out (which was 20 friggin' years ago). I stayed with it through The Downward Spiral, but pretty much everything after that album I consider to be crap. That said, I both like and respect Trent Reznor's liberal view on open sharing with recordable media and music and I really think he's one of the few big artists out there that doesn't have their head in their ass in that regard, so I like the guy despite not liking NIN's newer material.

On the last tour, NIN had an open and free camera policy on all shows. Apparently, on two of those dates he played The Downward Spiral in it's entirety front to back...which I actually would have liked to have seen. Cue http://www.thisoneisonus.org/, who puts together submitted fan footage into live concert performance videos and freely distributes them online. They out out a full DVD of The Downward Spiral show, and honestly...even though I'm not a NIN fan these days and Trent is clearly way the fuck past his prime (and not hot anymore...*sob*...bring back Trent in March of the Pigs plz), it's probably one of the best live concert videos I've ever seen. It's totally raw and grimy and really fucking well edited -- watching it you know exactly what the show was like as though you were there. I was blown away at how good it was. I'm a huge believer in free media and fan-created stuff on an epic scale, so this pleases me a great deal and I got a huge kick out of watching it.

So if you're interested, check it out: http://www.thisoneisonus.org/ Or for a preview, check it out below.

...and with that I'm off to Los Angeles until the 2nd. Happy Halloween, you nerds.