The Stream of Consciousness

malice_bd @ 2009-11-08T22:43:00

2009-11-09T06:50:09Z

So yeah, last night.

Went to a housewarming party.
Drank too much (I know you are all so surprised right now).
Left too late to catch the last train home so I had to spend a million years on the GhettoBus back to the East Bay.
Realized I was missing my phone.
Realized I was missing my keys.
Realized my catsitter had my only set of spare keys (which I usually leave in a local spot buried in a baggie just in case something like this happens).
...Fuck.
Decided I was NOT spending the night outside because fuck that it's cold and I'm drunk and there is a warm bed right in there.
Tossed a brick through my own bathroom window.
Slept.
Cursed a lot the next day when I realized that my cell phone and keys were total history.
Told my landlord that someone threw a brick through my window.

>_>

malice_bd @ 2009-11-04T01:10:00

2009-11-04T09:13:12Z

Make me a music recommendation with the following groups in mind: Massive Attack and Portishead. Also along these lines: IAMX, Ladytron, Black Rebel Motorcycle club. (I don't need help finding industrial/electro, since my boyfriend essentially lives, breathes and bleeds the stuff, and I also don't believe in new punk or metal so skip all that.)

I luuuurrrveeee Massive Attack and Portishead like <3 <3 <3 but I haven't run across much else that even comes close to comparing within the same vein. This depresses me. IAMX etc. are basically examples of music listened to largely by people that I sort of want to beat up, but I love the music anyway. I just don't think I'll be biting their fan's hairstyles anytime soon.

uuuughhhhhh

2009-11-03T22:15:39Z

It's like 24 days til I see Adam again. Meanwhile it's all being broke and job-hunting bullshittery, AKA this month is going to suck.

Sometimes I think I'm better off just being a player and not getting all emotionally involved-like. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely adore being loved and I adore loving back even more maybe, but I hate all the nasty shit it dredges up in my personality, especially where something long distance is concerned. I get to thinking too much. I dissect everything. I question my own motives (far more than I question anyone else's, interestingly) and wonder just how honest I'm being with myself about everything. I wonder what I'm being mislead on or am just deliberately not seeing. I wonder if I'm being a fool. I get all fucking paranoid.

Really, it's just the dregs of past traumas coming to the surface. You can't have a history of crashes and burns and deaths and divorces like I do and not spend a huge amount of time going "omfg" the instant you have anything to lose. It's nothing to do with Adam, really...I mean, there have been one or two fucked up incidents that cast a shadow over us, but I'm pretty sure that's seriously history even though it still causes a domino emotional effect sometimes. In the end, he's not perfect - he's a stupid boy just like all stupid boys, and I mean that in the most affectionate sense possible. But in comparison to the average wang-bearer, Adam is a total angel. Hopefully that opinion still stands 6 months from now.

I miss him. I miss having a job and not being broke and not having to worry about things so much and I wish things weren't such a cacophony of suck right now. I don't want to be flat broke over the holidays...I LOVE splurging and getting people stuff. But I think it's going to be a lean birthday/Christmas for me and mine this year...although I mayyyyyy have talked my parents into getting me a Kindle DX as a cumulative gift. They haven't gotten me anything in friggin' years so I'm harassing them. Cuz Wikipedia while riding BART = heaven. Or at least, a little less hell.

Oh hai, I'm blonde.

2009-11-03T05:08:56Z

Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral played live in it's entirety.

2009-10-30T07:15:06Z

I used to be a huge NIN fan way back when Pretty Hate Machine first came out (which was 20 friggin' years ago). I stayed with it through The Downward Spiral, but pretty much everything after that album I consider to be crap. That said, I both like and respect Trent Reznor's liberal view on open sharing with recordable media and music and I really think he's one of the few big artists out there that doesn't have their head in their ass in that regard, so I like the guy despite not liking NIN's newer material.

On the last tour, NIN had an open and free camera policy on all shows. Apparently, on two of those dates he played The Downward Spiral in it's entirety front to back...which I actually would have liked to have seen. Cue http://www.thisoneisonus.org/, who puts together submitted fan footage into live concert performance videos and freely distributes them online. They out out a full DVD of The Downward Spiral show, and honestly...even though I'm not a NIN fan these days and Trent is clearly way the fuck past his prime (and not hot anymore...*sob*...bring back Trent in March of the Pigs plz), it's probably one of the best live concert videos I've ever seen. It's totally raw and grimy and really fucking well edited -- watching it you know exactly what the show was like as though you were there. I was blown away at how good it was. I'm a huge believer in free media and fan-created stuff on an epic scale, so this pleases me a great deal and I got a huge kick out of watching it.

So if you're interested, check it out: http://www.thisoneisonus.org/ Or for a preview, check it out below.

...and with that I'm off to Los Angeles until the 2nd. Happy Halloween, you nerds.

David's badass rocker lyrics.

2009-10-29T22:30:57Z

Malice:
Adam was looking up the lyrics to David's songs online last night and just was in tears laughing

Dave:
hahaha I don't think I've ever read his lyrics

Malice:
I corrected the english on all his songs (though the lyrics were still stupid as hell) but I deleted those files when I left

lmao so he's using the engrish ones

Dave:
"You sheep testicle....bench press harrrderrrerrreerrrrrrrr. RIGATONI SHIT STAIN!!!!"

Malice:
For all the fucking promises you haven't kept and the lies you sell us
For all the kinds of false sins you have created
For all the stories you've made like real
For all this things tonite some fuckin' heads are gonna brake down

lmaooo

Dave:
LOL

The heads have anti-lock brakes ok

Safest in their class

/half head bang

Malice:
there is one where he says "I follow my plasure"

hahaha

Dave:
lol

Malice:
Your happy faces and beautiful dresses ready to go out
While your children are making the carnage of the day
You click on your money to see on your screens sex'n'fucks
You hate the one that tomorrow you will glorify

lmao @ sex'n'fucks

Dave:
"I follow my fun. I ENJOY SPEARMENT BUBBLE GUM!!"

Malice:
Say hello to your world
And see how it goes bad
Say hello to your soul
You don't feel how dirt they are?

lmaoooo

Dave:
hahahaa

Sex n fucks

I see a new fast food chain

Malice:
I'm gonna take you to a perfect place full of death and flames
I'll give you all you want
Just sell your soul to me
But the flames of my hell are too high to be chocked

Dave:
hahahah

That doesn't sound like a perfect place at all....

Malice:
I'm chocking

on the lulz

Malice:
There's something in my mind I don't know what it is
it calls from inside, i don't know
I get out from my bed with a scream in my head
it's a voice i've never heard before

I think thats about his mom yelling at him

Dave:
Hahahaha

DAVID CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND FOLD YOUR UNDERWEAR!

Malice:
OMG /writes song

/feels like no one understands him

We're the Angry Army and we're gonna do what we pleeeaaseee
As soon as mom leaves we're gonna order a pizza with extra cheeeseeeeee

/draws pentagrams on things

It never gets old.

2009-10-29T02:55:04Z

Apparently David's crap band played yet another crap show at this crap club in the crap village where he lives...because that's more or less the only kind of shows he can get. Courtney is, I guess, back in Italy and LIVING WITH DAVID IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT BECAUSE THEY WIN AT LIFE. Not that Courtney ever moved out of her mom's house in her entire life anyway, and furthermore, her mom doesn't work and never has so they've both been living off her 60+ year old aunt who was the only one employed, so she probably feels right at home.

I've been told that she's still fat as hell (the actual term used was "a goth whale"), and the few people who showed up (like the people that I know) went just to mock David. David has developed this hysterical habit of changing outfits 3-4 times during a show like he's Liberace before finally just playing topless because his upper body is the only thing that he has going for him. I mean what else is there? His face? His...music??? LMAO. So yeah, /endshirt.

David always had a way of isolating himself by treating people as though they were beneath him because he's stupid and delusional enough to think that he's actually above anyone. He lies incessantly about his own popularity and successes and everything is always someone else's fault. Everyone eventually recognizes this, so they ditch him. I guess this got even worse after I left because apparently now he has no friends at all, and just sits in his mother's basement with fatass similarly-isolated Courtney where they can both talk about how cool and misunderstood they are while accomplishing precisely nothing and blaming everything on someone else. Cuz that's what all the cool kids do. u noe.

They really are living the life I would have wanted them to lead <3

malice_bd @ 2009-10-28T12:45:00

2009-10-28T20:10:06Z

I'm generally kind of a difficult person to piss off. It seems like it'd be otherwise, but actually I'm really chill and I tend to let things go pretty easily. Most of my IRL friends can vouch for this...most of them have never seen me get angry, especially not at them, and when I do get bent out of shape it tends to be short lived...the mood passes quickly and completely.

However, when something DOES really get to me, it's more or less permanent. When something pisses me off that bad, or hurts/insults me to that degree, I'm incapable of letting go of it no matter how much I want to. I am absolutely unforgiving and it takes a conscious effort of will to not do something equally bad or worse to the person in return; an effort of will that, honestly, I rarely bother with because I'm naturally just vindictive as fuck and it feels sooooo good to get back at someone. I try and not go down that path anymore because it is ultimately pointless and no good comes of it other than a brief feeling of gleeful retribution and the knowledge that the playing field has been leveled in my favor via total emotional nuclear war, but it's still tempting.

I fucking cannot stand being the "next in line". Don't reuse lines and nicknames on me that you used on everyone else, because it just makes me feel like a fucking fool that I fell for it where others basically giggled and gave you the finger. Don't minimize shit for your benefit; it's the same as lying. And for fuck's sake when you fuck up don't try to justify it later when you're in a bad mood where you've been all apologetic before, because you know what that does? It renders that apology null and void and tells me that you never meant a word of it, and that you were just bending the knee to avoid a fight. WTG making things worse!

Shit like this makes me feel fucking murderous. It takes conscious effort to keep myself from starting shit for it's own sake just so that everyone else can be exactly as uncomfortable as I am, if not more so. And god, it could be weeks or months past but the mere thought of things like this can send me right back into that same black rage I felt initially.

I wish I was better at letting things go and moving on, truly, but the best I can manage is to suck it up and not act on it and hope that it goes away since I am not allowed to stab the people involved in the face because they stabbed me in the back. Probably because I mean that literally, where their secrets and bullshit and lies are insubstantial and therefore legal despite the fact that those wounds take much longer to heal than the physical.

But I digress. This rather general blog has no purpose and I am in no way extrapolating upon it with specific detail or naming the persons involved. I just felt the need to rant and get that off my chest. thx.

malice_bd @ 2009-10-27T15:32:00

2009-10-27T22:41:06Z

Doesn't Adam make a pretty serial killer? <3 If he doesn't move out here soon I'm going to go back to NC and club him over the head and steal him caveman-style.

Khal Drogo

2009-10-27T19:31:51Z

Thought you guys might wanna see who was cast as him. Guess he's from Stargate: Atlantis.

Finish the christfucked book, Martin.

!!!

2009-10-27T00:05:52Z

Adam got tickets to come visit for Thanksgiving <3 <3 <3 I wasn't sure he'd be able to get the time off being in retail, with Black Friday and all that jazz, but he managed so I get him for another 5 days. (!!! <3) Watch us get in a fight with my upstairs neighbors or something.

This last ticket used up the last of the frequent flyer miles that he's been using to visit back n forth. It's ironic timing, because I told him that he has til the end of the year to get his butt over here on a one way ticket before I pull the plug on everything. I mean, I don't think I'd break up with him per se but I don't think I'd continue to commit myself or take it seriously anymore, either. Perhaps that is unfair, but after David and Mark and Zack I have no interest in seriously pursuing ANY long distance relationship for long. If it's potentially serious then someone needs to take the plunge and move; fuck seeing someone once a month...that sucks, especially early on.

It goes without saying that Adam and I are turning out to be a pretty serious item. Being that we're both hyper-emotional (myself in random moments, and him, well, pretty much the rest of the time) we have our ups and downs but that's always the way I like things, anyway. Without a bit of chaos I tend to get bored quickly. Balancing that chaos can be difficult and unpredictable, and how worthwhile it ends up being is something you never really know until towards the end, but you know, it's kinda nice to have some emotional attachment to someone for once that isn't solely just based on lust. So fuck it.

Holidays, etc.

2009-10-26T05:16:14Z

The end of the year is nuts for me because my birthday is on December 6th, so I have Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday then Christmas and then finally New Year's. It can also be a bit depressing as Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays that most people spend with their families, and I don't HAVE a family to spend them with so unless I'm in a serious relationship I generally end up spending them with my cats, which no offense to my kitties or anything but it sucks. This year Adam wants to come out for Thanksgiving but I don't know if that's going to happen or not yet...any of my local friends thinking of doing an orphan turkey day? If so, you should consider inviting me...especially since I'm an excellent cook.

For Halloween I'll be in Los Angeles doing god only knows what with Ana. All I know is that she bought us costumes, and I have to wear what she bought me., which I of course will. She won't tell me what it is so I'm assuming we're going to be a couple of tacos or maybe a pair of testicles or something else horrid, lol. Something that'll make me hide in the closet in the beginning of the night but after a few drinks I'll be running screaming down Sunset Boulevard in. Of this I have no doubt. For my birthday I have no idea. Nothing special. I think Ana might come up to visit me and we'll just spend a weekend getting torn up or something. Christmas....ughhh blarrrghhhh I'm just getting the feeling that I'll be stuck on my own for that one and utterly hating life for that entire season.

My mom called me yesterday and left a voicemail asking me what I want for my birthday/Christmas but I suspect she'll rather balk at the price of the Kindle DX or a cute mini laptop, especially since I never want the base model in anything ever. She always gets bent that I don't want anything cheap but why would I want something cheap? If it's cheap and I want it then I buy it myself. c that logic?

Holidays do tend to suck when you don't have a family bond to speak of. I really hope that those of you who get along with your families appreciate them for what they're worth, because never having really had that bond makes me an uncomfortable social outcast in many situations.

Long distance relationships suck.

2009-10-23T23:53:28Z

I'm having serious doubts about my ability to continue being in a long distance relationship for very long...I really, really hate it and I don't want to go through all this shit all over again. Adam wants to move out here (and swears that he is going to 'soon') but I can't say I have a lot of faith in that happening anytime in the near future because the boy is flat broke all the time and has literally no career prospects or serious skillset whatsoever. It's really is his only huge glaring fault - the rest of him is pretty wonderful - but it's a big one.

Wasting time is not something I like to do. I *know* I'm not capable of sustaining a long distance relationship of any seriousness for more than a few months at best without getting wanderlust in a situation where the relationship has never been firmly established beforehand. I'm chewing the walls for lack of having enough of what I want, which incidentally was my major problem with Rick and ironically why I started seeing Adam in the first place, as having that connection with Adam picked up the emotional slack that Rick left. I think that I'd be perfectly fine with just Adam were he here, but he's not and that is getting old fast.

Why are the total sweethearts always so fucking poor? Someone explain to me this correlation. Is it because guys who do ok for themselves are instantaneously surrounded by vampiric codependent bitches and thus become much more cautious and thus emotionally unavailable or egotistical? Or is it because logical men, who tend to be more successful, also tend to be more cold by nature? Or because sweet pretty boys tend to be art-fags (who so rarely make anything of themselves)? Seriously, it's impossible to get everything in one person...and that is SO FUCKING UNFAIR.

I guess if he had that much going for him he'd just become a totally conceited cocksucker and I'd hate him anyway. But still. sigh.

Full cast list for the pilot of the Game of Thrones TV series on HBO.

2009-10-20T04:26:10Z

This was sent to me earlier, thought some of you fellow SOIAF fans might enjoy it.

Discuss.

heh heh.

2009-10-17T22:17:30Z

Adam apparently saw the cracked out hippie bitch that started that mass brawl with me. She isn't in a neckbrace anymore (we never saw that, he was just told about it), but apparently she has a black eye and a super obvious bald spot on one side of her head.

I hope she thinks of me fondly every time she tries to style her hair over her bare, ripped up hooker skull for the next few months.

Stuff like this really makes my day brighter :D

...but not everything about NC sucked.

2009-10-16T04:02:42Z

While the fight was the defining moment and obviously the biggest story of the week, that's not all that went down in the NC. Adam and I got along as well as ever and were all super cute on each other. We are both super affectionate people so the two of us together tends to be a neverending torrent of cute. And, nicely, he doesn't just hang on me or get pissed when I spend time talking to people other than him. We work together pretty well in that regard for two people who are otherwise pretty much attached at the hip/pixel.

These two pix were taken about an hour before the fight broke out. As you can see, I was feeling terribly aggressive.

Yes....terribly aggressive and offensive. Totally.

Taking a picture in the mirror wall of a Vietnamese restaurant we went to. Adam really does look like an oversized boy sometimes.

Us with his friend Ryan, a strange and utterly hilarious little half-Japanese dude. This was actually a pretty rad bar...they had a 10% cranberry ale on tap that put me on my ass in a very delicious way.

One of these days I am taking Adam to a real stylist and getting him a decent haircut. He has this fucking glorious thick shiny straight hair and all he does is gel it down. I'd KILL to have his fucking hair (or his eyelashes, the bastard). But he is a typical boy where self-care is concerned and things like tweezers and decent haircuts and toenail clippers are utterly unknown to him.

Adam is sweet and generally very good-hearted. I guess one of the reasons I didn't get bent about his not getting more involved in the whole fight nonsense is because I feel terribly protective of him and I think I might have really flown off the handle in a homicidal way if I had seen him getting hurt. I mean, hurting me is ok...I'm built to take a beating and I'm quite casual about it....but hurting people that I care about? DEATH. I know that seems backwards based on typical gender roles, but it's how I tend to be. Don't get me wrong...I love men who can fight and stand up for themselves and who I know have my back without question (this is one of the big reasons I married Mark...we were damned dangerous together), but not everyone reacts that way in an instant and I accept that. If he had just stood there then yeah, I probably would have never spoken to him again but as it stands I'm not thrilled but I don't think it's a big deal though it would be a different story entirely if those had been strangers and not his friends.

I guess I just don't see gender roles the way most people do. I come from a home where the women and the men beat each other up pretty much equally and I've had to stand up for guys on more than one occasion. I made fun of them afterward, but it never seemed weird to me. Granted, I can think of a couple female friends of mine who would have jumped into the fray full frenzy (Coral/Charron) and honestly probably would have done more damage than any man there could ever dream of doing, but what if it was your own friends you were having to attack? I know the "it's a guy on a girl" argument, but my skewed instincts on that coupled with my utter inability to hit my friends no matter HOW bad they deserve it leaves me questioning. If a girl I knew jumped on a girlfriend of mine when I was with her, would I have beat up my friend? But I guess the equivalent would be a MALE friend of mine jumping my girlfriend...shit, I think I'd be fucking baffled at just how completely unexpected and unrealistically fucked it was. I'd probably full body tackle the person and go WHAT THE FUCK but I doubt my first instinct would be to hurt them, even though in retrospect that's exactly what SHOULD happen in any like situation. But with only a minute or so to react, I'm not sure it'd be my first instinct. I really just don't know...I am just absolutely and completely incapable of hurting my friends. I can't do it. It's just not done. I'd probably even have an issue beating up Courtney if I ever ran into that dumb cunt just because she was a friend at one point. I dunno man, I really just can't say. Maybe I'm weird on this point but...I just don't know. I know I would have done more, just not how much more.

Yes, I am totally stream-of-consciousness debating with myself publicly. Suck it.

Anyway, the entire trip wasn't horrible. There was awesome sex. There was waking up to kisses and breakfast and fresh coffee. There was watching Dragonslayer on the projector and drinking beer and laughing and snuggling. There were long talks about nothing with his head in my lap. Hours of kissing. Him half-sleepwalking down the stairs in his underwear looking for me because I got up in the middle of the night and he woke up and found I wasn't there and thought he'd maybe imagined me visiting at all, and my leading his rumpled, mussy self back to bed and petting him to sleep...which I thought was the most adorable thing in the world.

I like being able to be soft once in awhile. It means the world to me; it's so very rare.

Drama down in Winston-Salem, NC.

2009-10-15T05:10:07Z

I wrote this once on Facebook, but I'm redoing it here because I got the story from other observers, plus I remembered more. Extreme violence has a way of making me black out and get tunnel vision so as a general rule my recollection of events takes a few days to really come together.

Adam and his friends Kelly and Nick and I burned some really bad B-movies and got together with his neighbors to set up a projector in their backyard to play them. We brought hot dogs for their grill and a bunch of beer, played music and drank. I didn't really say much to the neighbors because they are these smelly hippie types and not the kind of people I'd generally hang out with - they're mostly friends with Adam's older brother, who he lives with (but who was not there that night). There was only one other girl there, this chick Jelena who lives there with her boyfriend Ryan, who has this giant ridiculous white man afro. I introduced myself to her and she seemed super awkward and kinda miffed so I just didn't pay her much mind after that. They were all smoking assloads of pot and drunk and apparently they're a bunch of cokeheads to boot (though I didn't pay attention or see this personally) so I figured whatever, not my business, I'll stick with my own.

Later on in the night, apparently Ryan and Jelena are being all fucking weird and tense and stupid and Adam keeps asking them what's wrong. They keep saying ohhh we're just tired, you know. Then they start saying, "there's just a lot of disrespect tonight" and when he asks them to explain, they just keep repeating themselves. Meanwhile I have no idea about any of this and I'm over at the grill making all the hot dogs. I yell over to Adam as he's talking with Jelena, "Hey Adam the food is ready!" and Jelena whips around and tells me to mind my own fucking business and they're trying to have a private fucking conversation. I say something like, "What the fuck? Where the fuck do you get off talking like that to me?" and she runs over and gets in my face and tells me that I think I'm better than everyone else but this is HER YARD (lol) and I'm just a California whore. So I told her to shut her cunt mouth and slapped her, fairly hard. I mean....duh, wtf do you think is gonna happen at that point?

So she comes around (she had been on the other side of a bar kinda thing when she leaned over and said shit to me) to try and jump me and I tackle her and start beating on her and this is all very rote in my opinion. People get drunk, they brawl, big fucking deal. But then her boyfriend runs up and instead of just trying to pull me off of her, he starts kicking me to get me off of her. This is where the gigantic bruise on my ass and the bruises on my arm come from - him kicking me. And when I get knocked off of her finally he grabs me around my throat and starts choking me in full view of everyone. Jelena jumps back on me as soon as I'm held down and nobody tries to get her or Ryan off of me so at this point I start hitting and kicking anything near me. Adam is screaming "no no no stop it get off of her what the fuck are you doing" and tries to pull Ryan off of me and Ryan socks him in the face and Jelena bites him, then someone else (I think a guy named Dave) pulls ADAM off of Ryan and Jelena but still nobody is pulling anyone off of me. Finally for whatever reason Ryan fucks off of me (I did kick someone in the nuts so I dunno, maybe that was him) and someone pulls Jelena off of me finally (or she just tried to get up - I have no idea, I was doing all this goddamned fighting of multiple people while on my back) but at this point I don't want to stop fighting so I'm pullingher back down to me by her hair as she is pulled away and all anyone hears is this wet rrrriiiiipppppppp sound. Finally they separate me from everyone and Adam is pulling me back towards his house. I yell at the guy, "What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm fucking five foot four and weigh maybe a buck fifteen and you're fucking hitting me? Your bitch can't fight her own fucking battles without you jumping in to save her?" and he yells "I don't give a fuck if you're a girl!" Big man, lol. Real tough guy.

So we go back to Adams place and sit outside and I'm going WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT and WHY DID SHE GET IN MY FACE and my knuckles are bleeding and I'm asking Adam and Kelly (who was inside the house and missed most of it) if I did something offensive or whatever that caused that, but they are as baffled as I am. Then suddenly bottles and hot dogs are being thrown at us, and these fucks are in Adam's yard throwing shit at us after making such a big deal about us leaving. Adam goes, "dude let's just go inside, please?" and I go "fuuuuck that" and I go running up to them. Adam grabs me and they stop and they're yelling all this shit and at this point I'm like...the damage is done, fuck it, I hate these people...and I'm not about to fight Adam to let me go so I let him hold on to me and I just unleash a stream of invective fit to make their ears bleed. Among those gems was, "What's the matter you filthy hippie cunt, you want a rematch? Oh I see you gotta bring your bodyguards along to keep me from beating your ass AGAIN because you all fight like a pack of fucking niggers and can't follow up the shit you start one on one. Well fuck you and your guitar playing nigger-haired filthy woodstock-looking boyfriend, I just smacked the fuck out of you BOTH and I'll fucking do it again, go ahead and keep on coming in, fucking bring it on, all of you, I don't give a fuck, I'll start believing in equalizers and bust something over your ugly white trash fucking heads. Either that or GIT OFF MAH LAWWWWNNNNNNNN!!!!! YA'LL COME BACK NOW Y'HERE!?? LET"S GIT UP ON SOME BANJO DUELING YA'LL!!!!" etc etc etc etc.

Of course, they just looked pissed off and left and none of them took a step further into the yard.

All the men present deny kicking me. I KNOW Ryan kicked me because, well, I was there, and plus Adam saw it. Adam said there was a mass of people on top of me and he saw people kicking me but he didn't know who else it might have been. Ryan's excuse for choking the life out of me was that he was "trying to stop the fight", but look ok I don't care how vicious I am, several grown men should be able to stop a fight between two chicks without resorting to violence of their own. And even SO, resorting to potentially life-threatening sorts of violence is another step up from a simple drunken brawl. But I think this all goes without saying. Oddly enough, I do believe in a fair fight....the fact that the fight happened bothers me not at all, but the fact that men got involved burns my fucking blood.

The story has changed several times but right now they are saying that I was going around saying "nigger this" and "wetback that" all night, which is BS because a. I wasn't anywhere near any of them all night or talking to them, b. neither Adam nor any of his friends, who I WAS talking to, ever heard me say that, and c. despite my proclivities towards racial humor I generally will not make comments like that around people I don't know because I realize that other people find it offensive (the internet notwithstanding because this is my domain and here I rule...plus nobody else is making you read my shit). And anyway, not once did anyone say there was a problem up until she got in my face, even when asked. Also, apparently they were offended that we were making fun of the B movie we brought...that WE brought, ok...and dude, what other purpose is there to a B movie if not to make fun of it? And I guess we made fun of the music, which was Adam's favorite band (Wire) but ok whatever. They're also trying to say that they couldn't get us apart no matter what and that I must have been high on drugs because I was grinning through the entire fight. I don't do drugs, and in fact we were the only people there NOT on drugs so fuuuck youuu alllllll. I was grinning because I'm a psychotic asshole, not because I was on drugs. I don't need chemicals to be insane; that comes naturally.

But yeah, so to them it's all my fault because I brought "dark energy" to their house (their words!), I was being racist since the beginning (though I was actually only being racist after the fight when I was trying to goad them in to fight more and btw they are all whiter than me) and the guys never touched me cept to strangle me but that was just to break up the fight so you know, that's justified because I was in Wolverine mode and clearly completely impervious to anything else. And they initially denied hitting or biting Adam but now they're admitting that "may" have happened. On accident, you know. But no matter...it is all my fault because I slapped the cunt first. And you know what? FUCK YES I DID, AND I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL. I'd do the same fucking thing again in the same situation, but remind me next time to use a closed fist and just knock the bitch flat the first time instead of trying to make a point with the least force possible. Or better, just throw the goddamned hot grill at her and Freddy Kruger her ass and then flee the state or something. Whatever. Fuck the fair fight bullshit and these rules of engagement I live by, this is NOT the first time I've had multiple people jump me and I really just need to get it into my head that anyone I fight is going to be a scumbag and I just need to fight completely fucking dirty and go for maximum punishment instead of enjoying it as a recreational sport as I sometimes sorta do.

The funny part is that despite all this, my injuries consist of two VERY fucked up hands and cut up knuckles (funny how bruises don't show as much for a couple of days), one upper arm that looks like someone hit me with a bat, a HUGE black bruise on my ass and some claw marks from the girl. Nobody ever touched my face and when I got back in the house my makeup was frighteningly perfect and I hadn't even broken a nail. But from what one of the guys who was there said (he called Adam to swear he had no part in kicking me), Jelena had to be put in a neckbrace for a couple of days and "Ryan is all fucked up too". haha.

So fuck you, I win. Bitches.

oh and these are from the kicking I took. I wasn't exactly exaggerating. The fight happened on the 9th and these are from today. Funny how deep bruises take a few days to bloom.

I'm putting the sexy back into random violence.

2009-10-14T10:51:57Z

A couple days post-hence with bruises in bloom. Thankfully you can't see the giant black bootmark on my ass where some dude kicked me to try and save his bitch because that one's not very attractive. The busted up knuckles and arm though...well, that's just hot. Assuming you are a fucked up pervert like me, of course.

My flight home was delayed for more than 4 hours. I'm beat and I have a job interview tomorrow. Wonder if I can wear gloves or something, lol. ehhhhhh. Full story tomorrow.

Here's me directly afterwards though. I've had worse war wounds from rough sex. Assholes.

jesus christ, fuck this goddamned state.

2009-10-11T19:56:34Z

Weather has been really beautiful, Adam's been more or less great, but goddamn I am not a fan of the people here. I think a lot of you are already familiar with all the violet going-on from my former FB post, but considering FB just disabled my account for reasons I have yet to discover, the rest of you may have to wait a bit because I don't feel like reiterating the whole christfucked thing just now.

People need to learn that actions have repercussions, that getting in someone's face and talking shit to them is likely to get you smacked the fuck down, and that someone else fighting is not necessarily anyone else's goddamned business. And really, if you HAVE to break up the fight then break it up, don't just involve yourself in it and then try to excuse it by saying that you were trying to break it up and couldn't...especially when "you" = 3 guys and the fight is between 2 girls.

I'm surprised I have any knuckles left.

Adam is too soft. I don't hold it against him overmuch but he is definitely too soft. Then again I suppose if he were as hard as me then nothing would balance? dunno. More later, I'm fucking starving.

malice_bd @ 2009-10-05T22:02:00

2009-10-06T05:04:06Z

I leave for North Carolina tomorrow morning early. You will all have to suffer a lolzless existence in my absence. Especially Jackson <3

However, I'm sure I will return with mad lulzy white trash pictures and tales of epic marathon sex. Which may or may not be related.

bai nao.

Hahahaha

2009-10-03T21:52:17Z

Video I took at the Folsom Street Fair. lollllll

Self-Control and Personal Responsibility: A Short Essay On The Fiction of Modern Independence

2009-10-01T22:18:08Z

Since it's one of my last days at my job, I am essentially doing nothing. To kill time I decided to respond - AGAIN - to allegations about my good genes since I got a couple MORE emails from people asking me what "my problem with fat people is". I don't even think I've said anything about fat people lately...but ok, whatever. Anyway I wanted to kill some serious time so this is seriously long. Read it if you wanna.

---------------------------------------------

Much of the bloggery that I commit online are about the failure of people in general to take responsibility for their own actions. Some people absolutely adore me for this. Others question my judgment, feel offended or unfairly picked on, or believe me and my views to be utterly egocentric and based on a fallible point of view as I am not an addict, not overweight, and blessed with good genetics or whateverthefuckelse that obviously renders me incapable of understanding things from their perspective. Clearly if I were a fatass welfare-collecting crackhead I would be more sympathetic to their inability to do anything to better themselves, but since I was lucky enough to be born an intelligent, attractive (semi)white woman with "good genes", I will never get it. Or to put it more simply, only a lazy fuck-up can truly understand and sympathize with lazy fuck-ups and I simply don't qualify. Well, thank you.

In some ways I suppose I can see where this idea about me comes from. I modeled for years, I have fans, I've lived and traveled all over the world, I'm clearly intelligent and in good shape and look screamin' for being nearly 33 years old, I'm confident and take-no-shit and strong and to some people this is very enviable. (also I am terribly humble, lol) From the outside I can see this as coming off as Lucky White Chick Syndrome and I can dig why some of you assume that I'm as judgmental as I am because I've never had to suffer the trappings of the less fortunate. However - and quite unfortunately for me - this opinion is utterly incorrect and founded on nothing more than the most skin-deep of observations. The fact is that I do understand almost everything that I talk so much shit about because I have been there.

Allow me to clarify on just how lucky I am, and why I feel that I can be as unforgiving as I am with total impunity. Henceforth anyone who brings this subject up again will get directed to this blog because I am tired of god damned repeating myself.

The Myth: I am lucky and blessed with good genetics.
This is true in that I am pretty healthy and don't tend to be sickly or weak. I am quite literally the product of 1st generation eugenics...my mother chose my father not for love, but for breeding (my family is a little unique in ways like this). Her theory was, "You may fall in love with a weak man, but never breed with one. Your children shouldn't have to suffer from poor health their whole lives just because you decided to be romantic." So yes, I'm quite healthy. However, addiction, alcoholism, mental problems and being fat run in my family like CRAZY - and all of these things have been variously proven to have strong family ties, some of which are psychological and habit-driven and some of which are outright genetic in nature.

To be more specific, my mother is an overweight, lifetime heavily alcoholic chainsmoker that has had a 20+ year addiction to methamphetamines that spanned pretty much my entire life through my teens. She is also batshit insane but since she thinks that all shrinks are witch doctors she remains undiagnosed. My father is an alcoholic of the a minor variety who also struggled with drug addiction and is utterly unable to cope with society or real life due to trauma suffered as an infantryman in the Marines during Vietnam. My older brother has spent his entire life addicted to various drugs and drinks hard liquor to the point where he developed a bleeding ulcer and has woken up with stomach acid streaming out of his nose (and no I am not kidding). My mother's father was an alcoholic who died because he passed out drunk on his back, vomited in his sleep, and fucking choked to death on it. My parents live in a mobile home in the middle of nowhere like hill people now. My brother is grossly overweight and has been on welfare for years. My mother's brother lives in a trailer with no electricity or running water. And my father's entire family...well, nobody has heard anything from them in a long, long time.

I myself struggled with a somewhat serious drug addiction for several years and find it very easy to spiral down into total alcoholism. During childhood I suffered from fairly severe Trichotillomania and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my teens, if you believe in all that jazz (my jury is still out on the latter). I QUIT drinking for the first time when I was 14...which should give you an idea of how young I started. That said, despite the fact that I grew up watching my parents slam speedballs into partially collapsed veins and actually had my mother try to buy drugs from my friends (yes) more than once, I quit ALL drugs when I turned 18, cold fucking turkey, simply because I made the decision to not go down the same path. I cut off all my friends who still used, utterly isolated myself socially and found myself a state-sponsored psyche therapy program for fucked up youth to help me straighten out. On my own. Without help. Without psychiatric medication. I beat Trich by sheer force of will because I didn't even know it was a disorder...I just thought it was a really bizarre and embarrassing bad habit and I treated it as such. I just refused to do it, no matter how stressed it made me. And I got over it. Completely. I moved out of my house at 16, spent some time being homeless on and off, and by 19 I was working full-time and had my first apartment in San Francisco. Everything I know about my profession I taught myself. Everything I have ever gotten past, gained, accomplished or won I did by myself, without the support of a family or preexisting good financial situation.

So really? All you people who think that I don't get it? Here's a big giant FUCK YOU right in your face. I DO get it. You think I'm skinny because I'm lucky? No, I'm skinny because I don't let myself go. I pig out sometimes but I eat right most of the time. If I gain weight, I make a point of losing it before it gets out of control so it never becomes an insurmountable problem. I don't fucking starve myself or puke up my food or wtf ever else, I just never let myself get so bad off that I have to resort to such measures to keep from being a fatbody. I have a hard-line set of rules regarding alcohol consumption that, while they allow me to get sloshed and have a good time with the rest of humanity, restrict drinking in ways that keep me from ever using it as a crutch. I have a rule for drugs (I don't do any drugs but I'll abuse Ambien on occasion ok) and alcohol that can be summarized as "If you feel like you would have trouble stopping, then force yourself to stop immediately."

What it all comes down to is personal responsibility and force of will. What I have done is not impossible and I don't think I'm special because I did it. I think that most people are capable, but they choose not to be simply because society tells them that they don't have to be. Got a problem? Medicate it! Overweight? It's your genetics...not your fault! Sympathysympathysympathy, stay sick, rely on everybody else, big motherfucking emo group hug! It's a vicious fucking circle and it's fucking absolutely goddamned ridiculous.

So yes. I have a problem with fat people. I have a problem with the chronically medicated. I have a problem with those chicks who are magically always sick with various hard-to-pin-down ailments that render them unable to work so they have to live off their men. I have a *huge* problem with addicts of all kinds, and people who use other people as crutches because they are under the impression that humans are supposed to be 4-legged instead of 2. Wahhhhh it's been years and I can't find a job wahhhhhhhhhhh. I bet if your parents/the government stopped paying for your shit and you were faced with sleeping in a fucking doorway for the forseeable future you'd somehow magically find a job. Are there exceptions? Sure! Like, you know, cancer. Severe schizophrenia where you can't function whatsoever (not the kind where you just can't function when it's most convenient, like most of you assholes have). So yes, there are exceptions to the rule. The thing is, most of you are NOT a goddamned exception...you just lack the willpower to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and do anything about yourselves. You refuse to see your weaknesses and problems for what they are, so you wallow in them. You are the beached fucking whales of society and I do not feel sorry for you whatsoever.

So in summary, kindly stop asking me why I have a problem with "______". Where you are in life is where you put yourself. Some of us grow up with advantages, others less so, but as an ADULT you are responsible for who and what you are. When you're 35 "wahh my parents beat me" is no longer an excuse for why you're acting like an idiot, sorry. I mean, join the fucking club ok. Same with your lack of ability to keep yourself from overeating, or overdrinking, or stuffing your face full of Oxycontin. You don't *lack* the capability to stop that, you just don't do it. I'm living proof of that. And if you feel that I'm holding everyone to an unrealistically high set of standards even considering where I come from and what I've conquered with so little, then I genuinely feel sorry for you but it's nobody else's problem or fault but your own.

Clean up your own backyards, people.

Compliments of the folks at X-Sanguin.

2009-09-30T01:17:36Z

Click for the big version (1.65MB, 1333px × 2000px)

malice_bd @ 2009-09-17T12:52:00

2009-09-17T19:53:30Z

So I'm not laid off but I may be in the next 2 weeks. Unless something radical gets announced tomorrow, which it might. Fuckers. /stab

I wonder how it'd go over if I put my resume on Craigslist along with that picture of me with the skimask.

lol /FBI

Jackson made me make this.

2009-09-17T03:48:49Z

<3 Oz. :)