I am totally having an emo moment; excuse me.

Attention is not something I lack for. I get tons of that. I have the best friends that anyone could ever hope to have…ZERO complaints there because I am well aware that I am blessed in that regard. But where men are concerned, I can’t even remember the last time I felt truly loved. Desired, adored, lusted after, something to aspire to, a trophy, a conquest, a friend with benefits that they get to lie to all the time then fly off into jealous rages over anyway, yeah. Loved, though…loved like the world ceases to exist…no. Lots of pretty words, some maybes and almosts, sure. Occasionally some real respect. But real, actual love? Never.

The few times I want it, it always ends up a low priority. Ten thousand obstacles in the way. A million reasons that the person can’t or won’t let go. Too much trauma, never enough time. I can deal with most of this, take it in stride even, but when someone just keeps themselves from me for whatever reason…I can’t do it. I can’t love a piece of a whole. I need all the bad shit, all the trauma the cold strength and the tears, as well as the unreserved laughter and that rare, solid feeling like someone’s always got my back. I may not choose to fall apart around someone, but I need to know that I can if I need to, and that maybe eventually they might trust me the same way.

I don’t cheat, I don’t lie. My desires and needs are crystal clear. I always act within my own boundaries, and am open to discussion on the boundaries of others. I put everything on the line for those few I care about without a second thought. I lack for nothing in the superficial and intellectual departments.

This taken into consideration, I don’t see why am forced to choose between cold but friendly sexual short-term companionships or backbiting passionate affairs that ultimately mean nothing.

There has to be more out than that. I want to burn and to freeze. I want to ride waves of emotional napalm and land on my feet every time.

Let it go. Take that chance. Let someone in.

The alternative is a very cold place.

Originally published at BeautyDestroyed. Please leave any comments there.