The Stream of Consciousness

01:48 pm November 3rd, 2009




			The Stream of Consciousness - uuuughhhhhh ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

malice_bd


	uuuughhhhhh
	It's like 24 days til I see Adam again. Meanwhile it's all being broke and job-hunting bullshittery, AKA this month is going to suck. Sometimes I think I'm better off just being a player and not getting all emotionally involved-like. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely adore being loved and I adore loving back even more maybe, but I hate all the nasty shit it dredges up in my personality, especially where something long distance is concerned. I get to thinking too much. I dissect everything. I question my own motives (far more than I question anyone else's, interestingly) and wonder just how honest I'm being with myself about everything. I wonder what I'm being mislead on or am just deliberately not seeing. I wonder if I'm being a fool. I get all fucking paranoid. Really, it's just the dregs of past traumas coming to the surface. You can't have a history of crashes and burns and deaths and divorces like I do and not spend a huge amount of time going "omfg" the instant you have anything to lose. It's nothing to do with Adam, really...I mean, there have been one or two fucked up incidents that cast a shadow over us, but I'm pretty sure that's seriously history even though it still causes a domino emotional effect sometimes. In the end, he's not perfect - he's a stupid boy just like all stupid boys, and I mean that in the most affectionate sense possible. But in comparison to the average wang-bearer, Adam is a total angel. Hopefully that opinion still stands 6 months from now. I miss him. I miss having a job and not being broke and not having to worry about things so much and I wish things weren't such a cacophony of suck right now. I don't want to be flat broke over the holidays...I LOVE splurging and getting people stuff. But I think it's going to be a lean birthday/Christmas for me and mine this year...although I mayyyyyy have talked my parents into getting me a Kindle DX as a cumulative gift. They haven't gotten me anything in friggin' years so I'm harassing them. Cuz Wikipedia while riding BART = heaven. Or at least, a little less hell.

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	Comments

	From: danarama	Date: November 3rd, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Good luck with everything. I felt exactly the same for six months! Then it all changed within a day, when I got this job. It will for you too.

(Reply) (Thread)

From: trichatill	Date: November 4th, 2009 05:33 am (UTC)		(Link)

People watching on BART isn't heaven? Should be amusing if you can create dialogue for them.

Back to hair and Adam... Does he totally love the new do or what?

(Reply) (Thread)

	From: malice_bd	Date: November 4th, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)		(Link)

Adam loves it all. He hates blondes but he loves it on me. Plus I think he's just resigned to the fact that every time he sees me I'll look different in that regard :) The only thing I think he'd hate is if I grew my hair long; he and I share a fetish for short-haired women.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

	From: militant_marmot	Date: November 4th, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC)		(Link)

wow, you do seem to have it bad. which is not a bad thing, in my opinion. yeah, not being able to buy stuff for people does suck, but we have faith you'll get a job soon. and then you can buy adam all the stuff you want to.

paranoid is a relative term. how paranoid? as long as you can semi-control it, you should be ok. if it gets too bad, can you recognize when it starts to get out of hand?

wish you luck!

(Reply) (Thread)

	From: darklyght	Date: November 4th, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Even though I do the same over think thing and the whole bracing for impact because you never know when the carpet will be pulled out from under you. But through all of my experiences I have learned to enjoy the time that I do have because if you don't love with your whole heart then what is the point?

If you walk around with one eye closed you have no depth perception...

It is like the feeling you get when someone gives you a weak handshake.

Or diluting your juice with water to make it last longer. (although juice these days is super concentrated it could use diluting... ok forget that one... perhaps diluting your milk to make it last longer... ewww...)

You get what I mean though right?

(Reply) (Thread)

	From: southbr	Date: November 5th, 2009 10:27 am (UTC)		(Link)

Try an iphone or itouch for the wikis... (does BART have wifi?)

i get the tough part... out of a job, used to have big income, I feel real shitty and unmotivated to find the next job... but want it to support all my bad habits. and my partner is out of town for another couple of months... I think you're right. It's not a good combination. too much time on my hands.

ugh

Good luck in SF... at least you have health care there.

xx
SFBay (south bay that is)

(Reply) (Thread)

	From: southbr	Date: November 5th, 2009 10:29 am (UTC)		(Link)

omg.. missed the blonde part. cool.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

From: astralketamine	Date: December 25th, 2009 10:13 am (UTC)		(Link)
kindle

If you don't end up getting the KindleDX, I think the SonyReader might be more practical. Been thinikng about getting one for someone who wanted a Kindle but didn't like the non-transferability of the media files.

(Reply) (Thread)

	From: malice_bd	Date: December 25th, 2009 10:16 am (UTC)		(Link)
	Re: kindle

I doubt I'll see either unless I buy it for myself.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


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