Attention is not something I lack for. I get tons of that. I have the best friends that anyone could ever hope to have…ZERO complaints there because I am well aware that I am blessed in that regard. But where men are concerned, I can’t even remember the last time I felt truly loved. Desired, adored, lusted after, something to aspire to, a trophy, a conquest, a friend with benefits that they get to lie to all the time then fly off into jealous rages over anyway, yeah. Loved, though…loved like the world ceases to exist…no. Lots of pretty words, some maybes and almosts, sure. Occasionally some real respect. But real, actual love? Never.

The few times I want it, it always ends up a low priority. Ten thousand obstacles in the way. A million reasons that the person can’t or won’t let go. Too much trauma, never enough time. I can deal with most of this, take it in stride even, but when someone just keeps themselves from me for whatever reason…I can’t do it. I can’t love a piece of a whole. I need all the bad shit, all the trauma the cold strength and the tears, as well as the unreserved laughter and that rare, solid feeling like someone’s always got my back. I may not choose to fall apart around someone, but I need to know that I can if I need to, and that maybe eventually they might trust me the same way.

I don’t cheat, I don’t lie. My desires and needs are crystal clear. I always act within my own boundaries, and am open to discussion on the boundaries of others. I put everything on the line for those few I care about without a second thought. I lack for nothing in the superficial and intellectual departments.

This taken into consideration, I don’t see why am forced to choose between cold but friendly sexual short-term companionships or backbiting passionate affairs that ultimately mean nothing.

There has to be more out than that. I want to burn and to freeze. I want to ride waves of emotional napalm and land on my feet every time.

Let it go. Take that chance. Let someone in.

The alternative is a very cold place.

Originally published at BeautyDestroyed. Please leave any comments there.

Tags: dating, essays/rants, generalized hysteria, whining

I am not a hat person, but it’s fucking cold in the Ukraine so I figured I’d pick something up to keep the tops of my ears from freezing.  And I dunno, but it’s kinda cute…at least, cuter than a beanie would be, which is what I was gonna get by default.  Maybe I shoulda just gotten a ski mask, that would have gone over well…

…never trust a woman with leopard spots in her eyes.

Originally published at BeautyDestroyed. Please leave any comments there.

Tags: pictures

This has nothing to do with anything happening in my life right now, but I just sort of realized that 4 people I’ve been involved with have died over the course of my life.  1 suicide, 2 in accidents, 1 killed in Afghanistan.  None of the events were related to me, and I was only actually still involved with one when they died, but it is making me feel distinctly mortal to look back and see that headcount because these are people I shared a significant portion of my heart with.  Two of them very seriously.

That doesn’t even take into account all the other people I’ve known, friends and family, that have died over the past few years.  Christ, even in the last year.

One of those fucked up bits of wisdom my mom passed down to me was “the longer you live, the more people you know are going to die”.  That’s just logic, but a hell of a way to put it.  Still, it can be hard to form lasting attachments once you realize exactly how fragile and impermanent people are, even the ones who really seemed like they could live through anything.

And, you know, it’s almost always the wrong ones who die.

Originally published at BeautyDestroyed. Please leave any comments there.

Tags: essays/rants

Since I leave to Kiev on Thursday morning (!!!) and I will be working all week til then, I’m doing most of my packing today.  The goal is to not check any bags even though it’s a 10 day trip.  Since the flight is like SF > LA > Munich > Kiev, I just KNOW my damned bags will get lost and I’ll end up totally fucked.  The downside of that is that I like to carry a knife on me at all times, and I can’t do that without checking bags.  So I guess if I get attacked by any hot Ukrainians, I’ll just have to use my bare hands ^_^

The itinerary is basically to tour Chernobyl on Saturday, then Sunday we’re touring an old missile base in Kiev…somewhere in between I’ll wander around Kiev a bit…then off to Estonia and spend 2 days in Lahemaa National Park.  Then a day in Tallinn, where we’re just going to explore and do a ghost tour, then I’m headed home on Saturday while Star continues on to Latvia.  If you’re at all interested in travel, you should check out Star’s site – she is a terribly impressive woman and has experiences some really awesome things!

Don’t worry, I plan on taking a million pictures and a ton of video while I’m over there..!  I doubt I’ll have much access to email or anything while I’m over there, but I’ll update if I end up with the time and a wireless connection.

I wish my connecting flight was in Miami so I could sneak off and see the Wolfman on the way, but my layover is short-lived and in Chicago.  There are times when missing him gets absolutely crippling.

Originally published at BeautyDestroyed. Please leave any comments there.

Tags: chernobyl, travel